March 20/21

Last night, I dreamt that I was supposed to meet Kim at the Brentwood Mall. It was a beautiful sunny day, and all around me at the mall were street performers, sidewalk sales, and colorful banners waving in the bright sun. It was a lovely festive feeling, and I really enjoyed being there.

I looked all over for Kim and her car, but I couldn’t find her, and I started to feel that sad, abandoned feeling. The lovely day was suddenly transformed into an anxious afternoon. I felt lost myself.

I met some lovely first nations folks who were friendly to me, but who couldn’t answer my questions. So, I felt that I was on my own. That is the feeling that I’ve had with me throughout life: “you’re on your own kid”. It’s like my core truth. One moment, the person you care about is with you or where you can reach them, and then the next moment, they’re gone forever. Blip, just like that.

I told Grace about it when I woke up, realizing that losing Pop had reminded me of how much I don’t want to lose Kim. Every time in the past when Kim has moved or changed her phone number without telling me, I would re-experience some of that same feeling of panic and loss (but just temporarily – Kim and I always reconnect again).

People die, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. All you can do is deal and heal.